Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sorry if I snapped at you 40 minutes ago. It was displaced anger.

At the end of the day I was So Very Angry that I could not articulate my frustration into anything but simple sentences. Simple sentences and curse words. Don't worry, the curse words came after school. Right before I hid in a corner so that I could not inflict my wicked witch furry on unsuspecting nice people.

I think I might have shocked some people, mainly the 20 little people who swarm around me like little bees. They often see my anger. A cold, calm anger about raising hands and sharing. I accompany that anger with a confused look of "Really? We are spending time for this? Especially since I know you know how to solve that problem." We laugh about that anger, we tease it out and sing songs about.

Today’s anger - that was something special. A hot, boiling anger of a disappointment and disgust. This anger does not come out often. It is scary and sharp. Full of bite. This anger is let down anger. As in, I gave you me heart and all you gave me was this pen, anger. Without realizing it, I have changed as a teacher, and my anger mirrors this change.

Naturally, I am cold and distant. I have enough friends, I have enough loved ones. School is business. However, in my joy of reading, writing, mathing, and historying, I have spilled some tightly sealed care. Something I tightly guard, because with care runs with the same crowd as disappointment and loss. Feelings my light personality do not enjoy. But I do care. I do care that my little bees enjoy learning, I do care that they feel confident in their abilities. I do care because I like to see them happy. My self worth and happiness has become intertwined with their self worth and happiness. I am not their queen bee; I am their mama bee.

So, my wee ones, I am sorry I let you down, but you let me down too. But if you are going to love me, you are going to have to love all the things about me. And I love you.

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